What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 15:02
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What are the 10 things you regret doing in your life?
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
How was cancer treatment different in the US and the UK?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why are black people harassed more by police officers?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do some of those who believe in a god refuse to consider the possibility they could be wrong?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do many men like women's breasts?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Comes on , in middle age.
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do I feel sleepy after massage?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Who then, do I blame.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.